Max Crider
Editor

 

 

 

     A recent study from Penn State shows that, oh my god, that kid over there cannot do another Fortnite dance.

    “If that young man even thinks about flossing like that one more time, I swear to Jesus I, on behalf of everyone that has been subjected to this villainy, will lob that scoundrel into the Sun with the might of Zeus,” said Abigail Zucker, one of many victims of that “heinous devil’s irredeemable crimes.”

     Other reports coming in from Harvard, Yale, and UCLA indicate many other instances of the populace being fed up with those arrogant small children emulating the dances from the Epic Games product. Seventeen different executives at the Cary, North Carolina-based gaming company were asked to comment on the scenario; all declined.

    UCLA professor of sociology Michael Sharp elaborated that during his studies, he saw many kids “putting big scowls on the faces of passers by” and even reported that one kid, in his words, “got absolutely deleted from existence” after a fed up middle aged man threw the child through a diner window.

    “I mean, who could blame the citizenry for being so distraught at such a young, innocent mind being corrupted that way by yet another soulless entity from North Carolina,” Sharp ranted, “North Carolina has not given us anything good, ever. First the annoying UNC and Duke bandwagoners, then Jerry Richardson being a total jerk, now this? I tell you, man, I absolutely despise North Carolina as a state. Every single aspect of it. Epic Games needs to get it together. ‘Epic Games?’ Quite a misnomer, no?”

Posted by Max Crider

Max Crider is a 16-year-old junior hailing from Atholton High School. He is, has been, and always will be an avid fan of sports and videogames. He has been a Raider Review member since freshman year, and he hopes to go into the field of journalism for his career.