1 April, 2019
WASHINGTON – Last Wednesday, President Donald Trump was spotted at a Party City store in Northwest D.C. buying a royal outfit, complete with cardboard crown and gold-colored plastic scepter.
“He waltzed in here and started getting really giddy,” said cashier Ron Ellsworth. The store visit provoked many theories that the President supposedly had monarchical ambitions, exciting his most ardent supporters. “I’m gonna love these constitutional violations!” said Utah resident Gary McCarr as he prepared his kneeling stance for a potential presidential visitation to the state. McCarr later hailed President Trump as God’s rightful successor.
Sitting in his elaborate throne room, King of Bhutan Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck said that he welcomes the reign of a new monarch and that he is sending his jewel-studded stuffed tiger to Washington “as quickly as possible.”
Meanwhile in Congress, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell led a rapturous round of applause. “We all must hail the new Vanquisher of Evils, Righteous King and Patriarch of the United States of America,” McConnell said as he voted against the nullification of Trump’s emergency declaration.
The Sultan of Brunei, Hassanal Bolkiah, offered Trump the “power protection package,” consisting of a squad of two dozen Bruneian armed bodyguards. “I use these guards every day and I love how they eliminate opposition,” said the Sultan. “I would definitely recommend them for any novice despot.” The Sultan also sent Trump a complimentary five-meter-long ermine-lined robe.
Trump was last seen in the Oval Office making a sign on the doorframe saying: “tHronE ЯoOm.”